Weary

Yesterday was a very difficult day, dealing with the fitful sleep filled with nightmares, abusive bill collectors and the constant pain in my body. By evening I was in tears and cried hard for an hour straight. I try to stay strong, but I get weary of the constant struggle, the constant pain, the constant fighting with my body to make it do what I need it to.

A tough day

I've been exhausted and restless the last few days. My sleep pattern has been erratic and I'm having trouble falling asleep despite being completely worn out. I tossed and turned for hours last night, finally falling asleep as the sun came up. The nightmares came back with a vengeance. I woke gasping and irritated. I'm trying not to let it ruin my day. I keep a notebook and pen by my bed and have been writing them down as soon as I wake which helps me to let them go.
In other news, my melon vines have been flowering and one has produced several tiny watermelon which are about the size of a bean. I will post pictures as soon as I can. My dad will be setting up the trellis this weekend for the vines to climb. I plan to grow them vertically to save space and keep the dog from trampling them.
I am very weak and tired today, my muscles aching. So I plan to do as little as possible and maybe I'll feel a bit better tomorrow.

It's 4:37 pm and I just received my 2nd harassing phone call from a new debt collection agency. This guy pulled out all the stops, intimidation, swearing etc. I should have asked him who peed in his cheerios this morning....hehe. I have decided to stop answering my phone unless I recognize the number and communicate with these agencies strictly via mail.

More nightmares

I had more nightmares last night. The first was pretty horrible and woke me just like the others, drenched in sweat. I let the pups out and went back to sleep. The second started out pretty awful but kind of mellowed after a while. It ended strangely but not very scary, so it didn't wake me like the others. I'm still very tired and sleeping day and night despite the rotten dreams. I scooped the doggy poop out of the yard today, which left me dizzy and feeling faint. I had to chug water and rest a bit to recover from it. As I sat resting and writing out my dreams, the dogs started to get rowdy and play with each other. I turned on my camera and got a few minutes of it recorded...they are so cute! I'll post the link later.

Nightmares

I am still very tired and easily winded. I slept 8 hours last night, got up to feed the pups then went back to bed and slept on and off for another 3.5 hours. Both sleeping periods were, once again, filled with nightmares and had me waking drenched in sweat.

Blaaah

I have spent much of the last several days in and out of bed as I seem to need frequent rest breaks. My friends picked me up to spend the night with them last night...they left this morning on vacation so I'm staying here to care for their plants and four small dogs. I did not sleep well last night. I think because the sounds are different here so I woke up often. I ended up snoozing most of the day today to make up for it, but had horrible nightmares and still woke often as a result. So, I'm still very tired and will likely go to bed at a decent hour again tonight. Right now I'm trying to wake up to get the dogs their dinner and cook some of my own.

Worn out

I've been a bit more worn out than usual the last few days, sleeping 10-12 hours at night plus naps during the day. I think it is a result of increasing my dosage of Samento. The pain in my ribs is still present, though not as intense. It seems to be worse when I wake in the morning...likely from the pressure on my ribs all night, as I tend to sleep on my side. I'm still able to water my garden and sit up long enough to write this blog and feed my fishy etc before laying down again, so for that I'm grateful.

My nephew came over to visit yesterday and the day before. On Sunday we walked in the yard looking for bugs and munching on seeds from barrel cactus fruit. He noticed the tiniest little spider dangling from my camera as I stepped under the shade of the mesquite trees. I put it on my hand and tried to get a picture of it. It was fast...crawling all the way up to my sleeve in about 1/2 a second. I did manage to get a great shot though.

Yesterday we made ants on a log (celery sticks filled with peanut butter and topped with raisins). We tried to go outside to eat our snack while sitting on the logs around the fire pit (sitting on a log eating ants on a log - he loved that idea) but it started raining so we moved back inside and put on Young Frankenstein. He got a bit bored during the movie so I let him play with my prototype for a revolving rubber band shooter...he loved that...kept aiming for the characters on the screen.

A good day

I spent most of yesterday lying in bed organizing and filing paperwork, as the pain was still too intense to do much moving. It kept my mind occupied for a while, but by the afternoon I was fed up and frustrated. My friend Steve called as I was lying there gritting my teeth and snarling internally. He said all the right things and within about a minute had managed to break through my shield of anger and frustration, and it all just came pouring out. He listened patiently as I blubbered like an infant, eking out the occasional "thi - iss...*snifffle*....suuuucks". After about 10 straight minutes of bawling, I began to calm down and felt much, much better. We ended up talking for over an hour, just being silly and laughing our butts off. I felt so much lighter and the rest of my day was a whole lot easier. I even managed to get up and do some laundry..yay! Ya gotta love good friends :-D

The pain is lessening a bit each day...whew! I am still twitching occasionally, but not as strong as before.

Paaaaiiiiiinnnn

I have been in severe pain in my ribs and spine the last two days which becomes excruciating when I twitch. It hurts to breathe, move, sit still etc, and feels as though I've been punched hard in the back several times. The pain had me in tears throughout most of yesterday despite downing ibuprofen - I took 4 over the course of the day. I am very sensitive to it and generally a 200mg tablet will relieve my pain for at least 12 hours. But yesterday it was not even making a dent. I distracted myself while lying down by calling friends, sketching and writing a bit of angry poetry. The pain is not as intense today, though I still feel as though my ribs are bruised. My guess is that it is a result of my twitching episode on the 10th. Since I've been ill, my body is slow to react, so it makes sense that it would have taken a few days to show up. It feels as though I really overdid doing backward sit-ups - the soreness being in the muscles. I've decided that today I will focus on completing, mailing and filing paperwork, which has been a bit neglected lately. I can do this while in bed (aside from the mailing part *wink*) so that is good.

As I watered my garden this morning, I noticed that some little critter had chomped away at my cantaloupe vines...nearly obliterating one and nibbling on another. I'll do some research and call my friend who manages a farm and see if she has any ideas.

Sweet kitty

My sister's cat brought me a wonderful present the other day; a large Desert Spiny Lizard (Sceloporus magister). it was about 7 inches long, plus another 4 inches of tail. She trotted into the kitchen with it in her mouth, set it at my feet and sat back, looking at me. Such a sweet kitty. I thanked her graciously for the gift, but explained that I'd already had a snack ;-) I then picked up the lil fella who was unharmed, albeit a bit startled, grabbed my camera and took him outside in the sunlight for a quick photo shoot. He got very squirmy as I tried to get a picture of him, but I did manage to capture beautiful blue/green scales on his belly before setting the squirrely bugger down (when the cat wasn't looking). He scurried off into the grass, to continue his lizard life.

Yesterday I saw my therapist for the second time. The session went well, we're still in the getting-to-know-you phase. We laughed, I cried, then we laughed some more. I really do like her...great sense of humor (she gets all my sarcastic jokes). At our first meeting she asked what I hoped to gain from our time together. I made some snarky remark about her waving a magic wand to fix it all. Without missing a beat, she stood up, grabbed a long clear plastic tube filled with liquid, glitter and little stars from her desk and began waving it around. I was laughing so hard. Gotta love it. The session did wear me out though, and I spent most of that afternoon lying in bed to recover.

Also, my friend was able to identify that mystery bug I posted about on May 8, 2009. It is an Iron Cross Blister Beetle. Cool!

Be?

To be, or not to be?
'Tis the question I face now
To stay within this feeble frame
Or end it all somehow

To continue on through thorns and briers
Every inch of path I tread
As weakness and pain of frail limbs
Scream inside my head

To push the very limits
Of my own sanity
Bound, imprisoned, day after day
My body my enemy

To keep myself within the race
Broken, wounded, lame
Each movement, thought this malady
Like an anvil on them weighing

To be in spite of shaken faith
In life and God on high
To end it now and rue the day
As in my grave I lie

To be a burden to the world
To take without ever giving
To simply 'be', exist, have form
Alive but not quite living

To be or not to be?
Which one do I choose?
Yes or no, right or wrong
Either way, I lose

To be or not to be?
Which is right? Time will tell
For now I will continue on
But is this life or hell?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-ys2wbqJNQ&feature=related

Link to Post - Back to Top Logged

A rough 24 hours

I had a bad twitching episode the other day. It lasted almost 24 hours - the worst part of it during a 7 hour period - and left me very sore and wiped out. The arm jerking and muscle spasms are pretty much 'normal' for me, but the intense twitching comes less often. (Very grateful for that) I was able to put a bit of it in film, which I then posted on youtube.com. Since then I have gotten such wonderful, supportive responses. I will continue to post video updates on my treatment and condition.
To watch the clip, just go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRBh34eUNUk
I am still very weak, sore and exhausted. I managed to get outside and water my garden, but with great difficulty. I took my camera, as usual and got a shot of an adorable lizard which I think is living in the rock wall of the planter where my bell peppers are. I've seen him out there the last 3 or 4 times I've been out to water.

A bad day

Very weak today and shaking. Having a bit of trouble controlling my limbs - arms jerk a bit when I try to type etc. I have been sleeping a lot more than usual, up to 16 hours per day and am still very weak during my awake time.

I was able to water my garden, though it took all my strength and sent me back to bed for a nap. While out there I had my camera with me and got a good shot of the baby birds in the palm tree.

Interview completed

I completed my phone interview with Social Security today at 9am. It lasted approximately 80 minutes. I put my cell on speaker and set my micro recorder next to it so I have it all on tape. It was exhausting as I was already very tired and had drank a coke to stay awake. There are a few bits of information I need to send them as well as a release of information form so they can access my medical records. I will be contacting lawyers who specialize in disability claims and will not charge unless I am approved.

In other news, my brother Drew brought me an awesome bug today. It looks like some sort of ant/beetle hybrid. It was very wriggly and would not sit still, so it took me a while to get a good photo...I swear it was giving me the evil eye at one point....hehe, I'm curious to find out just what it is. I think I'll send it to my friend who is really into bugs...she may be able to identify it more quickly.

Tough night

I tossed and turned in pain all night, unable to find a position to ease my discomfort, and too exhausted to get up. My left leg still aches from my hip to the back of my knee, and I am utterly wiped out. I had a bit of trouble breathing last night also, I felt as though I could not take in enough air....I think the term for it is "air hungry". I am still feeling that way so am sitting down and trying not to exert myself.

I ended up lying back down and sleeping for another 4 hours ( for a total of 16) after I wrote the beginning of this post. I do feel a bit better having had some more rest, and the pain is not as intense. However, I am still somewhat out of breath.

I have a phone appointment with Social Security in the morning so I may go back to bed in a bit and see if I can get some more sleep. I want to be focused and at least somewhat coherent when they call ;-)

Whacky sleep schedule

OK, my sleep schedule is all whacky. After sleeping 14 hours yesterday then being up til 4am, I slept for only 4 hours and cannot get back to sleep despite being very tired and shaky. It's very strange, and feels almost as though I've had some sort of stimulant like caffeine.

I decided that as long as I'm awake, I might as well be productive. So I had breakfast, watered my garden and made a few phone calls. My peppers, cucumber and zucchini have not sprouted yet, but my watermelon and cantaloupe are growing like weeds. One week ago I posted a picture of the first watermelon sprout. Above is that same sprout today.

Sleeeeeep

I woke at 6pm today after sleeping for a solid 14 hours straight..whew!

My nephew came to visit last night, and wore me plum out. He discovered my digital camera and asked if he could take a picture. I told him to shoot away, as my memory card will hold about

1000 pics. He went nuts photographing everything in sight, including me with some not-so-photogenic expressions..hehehe. I managed to get one goofy one of him too ( above) so I guess we're even. He ended up taking over 100 pictures and we laughed our butts off looking through them. Later on we went bug hunting as the sun was going down. We found a small caterpillar in one of our mesquite trees that I have yet to identify. We made him a home out of an old box and some screen. I plan to keep him until he cocoons and release him after he hatches. I hope my nephew is here to see him hatch, I think he would love that! :-)

Bird!

I finally caught one of our palm tree nesters on camera. (If you look closely you'll see it perched just above the hole in the tree, worms it it's beak)I'm still not sure what kind of bird it is.....I don't recall seeing it before this year. I think now there is only one baby bird in that nest. It poked it's little head out and squawked the other day. It was pretty big, and I'm not surprised considering how many bugs the lil critter eats!

I've been pretty busy keeping up with paperwork and my garden, which has expanded to include cucumbers and zucchini. My health is still poor but is levelling off. I'm just grateful I'm not getting worse at this point, and can still walk around the house and take care of basic things.

Lizard - take two

OK, so much for going to bed early. It's almost 2am here and I'm not able to sleep yet. The pain in my legs and hips is keeping me awake. So, I thought I'd get up, take some ibuprofen and put another shot of that cool lizard in here ;-)

Overwhelmed

Last night I heard some disturbing news about my uncle who passed away 23 years ago. He is now being investigated in connection with an out off state murder and I'm trying to process it. Also having a painful conflict with a good friend of mine and not sure how it's going to turn out. I cried on and off all night and most of the day today. I've tried to stay busy and distract myself between sobs, but it has been hard.

I sat outside in the shade for a while and that helped. Meows and Mojo (cat and dog) were out with me as I sat by the palm tree and watched the soda can pinwheels spin in the breeze. Meows caught a lizard tho and I had to rescue it. The poor fella came out ok except for missing the tip of his tail. I picked him up...he was feisty!... almost jumped right out of my hand. I snapped a pic before letting him go on the other side of the fence while the cat wasn't looking.

All the crying and mixed emotions have worn me out. I feel very weak and drained, and will likely go to bed early.

Little bird

Meows (sister's cat) caught a small songbird yesterday. She trotted into the kitchen with it and I picked her up and walked her back outside while she squirmed and fussed and eventually dropped the the bird who landed with a 'plop' on the ground. I set the kitty down and picked up the tiny bird who was breathing hard, mouth open gasping for breath. I then placed it on a small landing of sorts in our mesquite tree while I set up a cozy bed for it to lay on inside the cat carrier. It was very late, and my dad had already gone to bed, so I scooped up the little bird, fed it some water with an eye dropper before placing it inside the carrier which I set in the laundry room to keep the lil fella warm overnight. I had planned to ask my dad to take it to a wildlife rescue group this morning, but when I woke and went in to check on it, it had passed :-(
I'll wait til the sun begins to set before going out to find a nice burial site for the little critter.

I found a nice burial site and laid the bird to rest. Then I went a little nuts digging up the garden to plant some peppers. I found a really huge grub and took a pic of it..not really sure what kind of beetle it's gonna be, but it sure was interesting.