charity drive - day 4

I'm doing a little better today with the nausea, which I'm really grateful for. The weather was nice this morning so I took a short walk down the block. My pain levels have risen, but not to an unbearable level...just the usual ache in my hands and some intermittent sharp pains in my feet when I sit or lie down, which I think are the result of my walk...not too smart of me to wear flip flops. Live and learn!

Day 4 is going well...I finished 3 more hats! :D

*#%@&%(!!!!!!

My frustration levels are rising today. After months of attempting to contact the owner of a message board I belong to to get permission to publish a post about my condition and ask for donations to be sent to the clinic on my behalf, I finally got in touch with him and got the green light. I posted it yesterday, but within a few hours it was removed by the moderators. It seems he forgot to tell them he ok'd it. I have messaged him and am awaiting response. After feeling the relief of finally getting it posted after months of work, it felt like a kick in the gut to have it deleted. I can feel myself slipping into a depression over this, as it seems to be a recurring theme. I make a little progress, only to get kicked back to where I started. *taking deep breaths* I have been getting sicker again, with weakness and pain increasing, so my feelings of frantic desperation are taking hold. I don't know how much longer I can continue this way.

Grrrrrr

I am feeling major frustration today. After exchanging emails with my doctor, we are no closer to a game plan for dealing with the porphyria that is interfering with my lyme treatment. My legs are responding a little better today after spending most of yesterday in my wheelchair, and I have not used my cane since I woke up, but am in more pain. My pee has been sort of milky/cloudy since yesterday. I have noticed this several times in the last few months, and I'm not sure what it means. I will bring it up with my doctor at our next appointment on the 22nd of this month.

ow, ow, ow!

I started having muscle pain two days ago, mostly in my legs. It feels like I've run a marathon without stretching, and any movement at all is painful. Also, last night I was only able to sleep for about 3 hours due to sharp, stabbing pains running down my arms and legs, all the way to my fingers and toes. I don't know what could be causing this other than the lyme disease affecting my nervous system. Needless to say I'm a bit of a wreck today and still in a lot of pain. I had to cancel my weekly modified yoga class because of it. :(

Painful setback

I've been having problems with my legs the last couple days. I did a bit more walking around/standing than usual and as a result, my leg muscles are knotted up and I"m in a lot of pain. I massage them as much as I can, but my arms are weak and in pain also, so it's not very effective. Stretching has helped some and allows me to walk when I need to, but still with great difficulty. It feels as though my muscles are bruised and any pressure at all is painful. I also feel a constant burning and heat radiating from them. I've never had a reaction this intense to so little movement before. I have to admit it's more than a bit discouraging, but I'm trying to keep my head focused on my recovery, and not my setbacks.

Silver lining

I've pretty much felt like hell for most of the last week. Joint/muscle pain, weakness and severe brain fog has knocked me on my ass causing me to sleep during the day as well as at night. But, even in my weakened, cotton-headed state I was able to appreciate the gifts the universe sent my way - two gorgeous insects to photograph. The first; a large cicada which had somehow gotten into the house and settled in on one of the vertical blinds in the living room. The second; a giant conifer beetle waiting for me on the back porch - it measured almost 2 inches in length and quickly crawled up my arm as I tried to get a shot of it. My excitement at being able to photograph them up close provided temporary relief from my pain.

Darn it!

My herx reaction from my last increase of Samento began to calm down yesterday leaving me feeling close to human. I got a bit ambitious and decided to play my violin for a few minutes. I ran a few scales and a couple of jigs, stopping in between to catch my breath. Today I am in so much pain. I feel as though I've been kicked in the ribs..it hurts to breathe or move. My neck is also very sore and pops when I turn my head. Darn it!!

Cycle of my life

I cried most of last night and today, at least during the hours I was conscious. The pain, nausea, fear, trembling, frailty of mind and body are constants from which I find no relief. Days like these leave me wanting to give up; to end the pain once and for all. I don't want to end my life, just my suffering. I will sleep tonight, and face tomorrow when it comes. If I can make it through that one day, I will call my life a success for that moment before I sleep again, hoping to have the courage to repeat the cycle.

Weary

Yesterday was a very difficult day, dealing with the fitful sleep filled with nightmares, abusive bill collectors and the constant pain in my body. By evening I was in tears and cried hard for an hour straight. I try to stay strong, but I get weary of the constant struggle, the constant pain, the constant fighting with my body to make it do what I need it to.

Paaaaiiiiiinnnn

I have been in severe pain in my ribs and spine the last two days which becomes excruciating when I twitch. It hurts to breathe, move, sit still etc, and feels as though I've been punched hard in the back several times. The pain had me in tears throughout most of yesterday despite downing ibuprofen - I took 4 over the course of the day. I am very sensitive to it and generally a 200mg tablet will relieve my pain for at least 12 hours. But yesterday it was not even making a dent. I distracted myself while lying down by calling friends, sketching and writing a bit of angry poetry. The pain is not as intense today, though I still feel as though my ribs are bruised. My guess is that it is a result of my twitching episode on the 10th. Since I've been ill, my body is slow to react, so it makes sense that it would have taken a few days to show up. It feels as though I really overdid doing backward sit-ups - the soreness being in the muscles. I've decided that today I will focus on completing, mailing and filing paperwork, which has been a bit neglected lately. I can do this while in bed (aside from the mailing part *wink*) so that is good.

As I watered my garden this morning, I noticed that some little critter had chomped away at my cantaloupe vines...nearly obliterating one and nibbling on another. I'll do some research and call my friend who manages a farm and see if she has any ideas.

Tough night

I tossed and turned in pain all night, unable to find a position to ease my discomfort, and too exhausted to get up. My left leg still aches from my hip to the back of my knee, and I am utterly wiped out. I had a bit of trouble breathing last night also, I felt as though I could not take in enough air....I think the term for it is "air hungry". I am still feeling that way so am sitting down and trying not to exert myself.

I ended up lying back down and sleeping for another 4 hours ( for a total of 16) after I wrote the beginning of this post. I do feel a bit better having had some more rest, and the pain is not as intense. However, I am still somewhat out of breath.

I have a phone appointment with Social Security in the morning so I may go back to bed in a bit and see if I can get some more sleep. I want to be focused and at least somewhat coherent when they call ;-)

Lizard - take two

OK, so much for going to bed early. It's almost 2am here and I'm not able to sleep yet. The pain in my legs and hips is keeping me awake. So, I thought I'd get up, take some ibuprofen and put another shot of that cool lizard in here ;-)